From “What is my purpose?” to “What is the point?”

HILLARYRAIN.CO—As a deep soulful being & creative entrepreneur, my question has always been, “What is my purpose?” Purpose is really huge and transcendental. Knowing it is essential, but sometimes I'm crawling around the sea floor of my purpose and forgetting the whole point of light and air.

Today I am asking, what is the point? 

Not as in, “Oh, what's the point!” but in, “What is the point? Why do I do this?” Why do I try to create a sustainable living as an independent entrepreneur instead of choosing the steady reliability of a “regular” job? Why do I pick my heart off the ground and keep going when I see someone else doing the exact thing I am, only she is farther along, better funded, and has eleventy million people clamoring for what she's creating? Why do I refuse to capitulate to fear-based scarcity tactics and other slimy (proven) ways of making bank?

As a deep soulful being & creative entrepreneur, my question has always been, “What is my purpose?” Purpose is really huge and transcendental. Knowing it is essential, but sometimes I'm crawling around the sea floor of my purpose and forgetting the whole point of light and air.

The whole point is to find joy and experience life.

To be in control of my schedule and time.

To share what I've learned with others.

To explore and develop my creative gifts.

To create a riverway of sustainability, so my husband does not have to bear the weight of our expenses.

To add something meaningful to the world.

To be present. To see, touch, taste, feel, hear, experiment, connect, grow.

What am I trading my time for? What am I trading my energy for? What am I trading my breath, creativity, presence, attention, space, and sleep for? Paraphrased for context: For what profit is it to a woman if she gains the whole world, and loses her own soul? Or what will a woman give in exchange for her soul?

I've had seasons, sometimes years long, where I've worked two and three jobs at a time to make ends meet. (I harbor a secret belief that everyone should be the waitress, the retail sales girl, the barista, and / or the cleaning lady at least once in their life as a gesture of love and empathy to society.) In most of my positions, I've been greatly blessed to have found favor in the eyes of both my customers and the corporation(s) I worked for. I'm so grateful. I also remember rising in the ranks and dedicating my brightest energy, most creative mind, my health and my precious time to becoming a top performer in the region, making my corporation very happy, and thinking, what am I doing this for? Besides the obvious: car payment, electricity, groceries, books. Why was I giving my best life to earning top revenue & customer retention for an already-billion-dollar corporation that has a solid corner on the market? On my days off I'd be too tired to do anything but catch up on laundry and sleep. In the scheme of things, is this really where I want to spend the best everything of my life?

There was no overall right or wrong answer, just: what is right for me?

I know that I couldn't do what I do if it weren't for the love and dedication of my husband. He has supported me in every possible way. The truth is, we are just regular people. After the bills are paid each month, we scrimp by til the next month. We don't have a huge savings account (I just peeked; we have exactly $44.33 in savings right now). But we have what we need. More than what we need. We have abundance. We have deep love. We have beauty.

Last night I was wide awake at a late hour, so I went outside. From my balcony I could hear the soft movement of water from the creek below. The sky was clear and I could see more stars than I usually can here in the city. And everything was so quiet. Here, I offered soft whispers to the Beloved. I went into my apartment and inhaled the aroma of freshly-ground coffee that my husband prepares the night before. I smelled the soft mint from our diffuser. My little white lights twinkled. The stillness. The holy hush of night. The senses awake. Being alone, yet not. Peace. Present. Not having to rush off to clock in. Not having to drag my weary body around the store in search of something quick for dinner. Not having to explain why I didn't meet my sales goal for the day (“Nobody came in!” is not the right answer) and commit to doing better the next day. Not having to give myself the leftovers of my own life.

This is the point.

Getting an email of gratitude over something I created that helped someone. 

This is the point.

Not being slave to an alarm clock in the morning.

This is the point.

I've been thinking about this a lot as I look at what I need spiritually, creatively, energetically, and financially. I've been working hard on healing my money stories because making money to live on, bless with, and use, is also the point (and it's a good one!).

I've come to believe that I have all of the money I need. Some of it is in my bank. A lot more of it is outside of my bank. As a creative entrepreneur, I need to figure out how to get more of what I need inside my bank. How do I carve a path for income to be diverted into my account? How do I create what I call riverways of abundance?

How do I hold onto my soul?  If I knew that my taxes will be paid easily and in full, how would I approach my life? If I knew that I have some breathing room in my finances because everything is paid up, I've got a luscious cushion in my savings, and we've made some wise investments, how would I live my life?

Because living life is the whole point. Life for the sake of life. So is being human, awake, and alive, living from the soul in deep connection with the Beloved, others, and self. And making a difference through stories and presence. 

I keep coming back to humility, because I am blessed with more than some could ever hope to have. And gratitude. Thank you that today I can get groceries. Not just any groceries. Today I have some glorious, ripe strawberries! Today I got name-brand toilet paper that doesn't make me raw down there! And I have my favorite coffee!

I don't want to be so busy that I forget the living in “make a living.” This is why I don't really believe in hustle. Or grind. Hard work, yes. But hard work on purpose. Hard work that flows from the joy of being in alignment with my soul and holds deep meaning, because it creates an energy that moves me somewhere, or moves something to me in natural, organic flow.

So I think this is the whole point: remembering who we are and remembering where everything we have comes from. Remembering the Beloved. Remembering what is true abundance, true blessing, true love. Remembering others and their truth and needs. Remembering my needs and desires with humility and trust, knowing that what is best for me, and what fulfills the Beloved's purpose for me, will happen.

Is happening. Already is.