The End of the Night
I am a simple woman listening to the Spirit and trying to discern the times & seasons of these days, along with what and how to share what is burning in my heart.
I long for wisdom. For courage. And in the back of my being, a whispery and terrified prayer goes up: give me boldness.
Boldness is not a friend of mine.
I have a greatly unpleasant childhood history with boldness. One event involved something written about me and my boldness by someone I looked up. Completely unintentional, I know, but what they said crushed me. From that point on, boldness became linked with shame. In fact, I believe a giant hand sealed itself across my mouth right then. I wanted to sink into the earth in humiliation. I did not have the emotional or psychological resources to refuse the message that child-me learned: your boldness has betrayed you. And this horrible feeling—I didn't know it was shame—is all your fault. Listen, now. You can never speak up again. Never show yourself again. Never be part. Because when you do, this happens. And if you do, you know the consequences! You need to be quiet and helpful and keep everything to yourself. Shut up shut up shut up.
From then on my lips bit themselves into hesitation and I saved boldness for my eyeliner or my lipstick. I became Queen of Second-Guessing, and You Don't Want to Know What I Think Anyway.
Verbal awkwardness was born. I grew shy. When I felt the need to share something important, the words had to be forced out of me and most of the time, it didn't go well.
Now, as I redirect my writing toward my spiritual passion and pray for discernment around the times we live in, I've never felt more crippled by my almost life-long lack of boldness. And grieved by how much I held myself back due to old childhood shames. It's amazing, isn't it—in a sad way—how pain can chase us into adulthood? Shame has such long shadows.
Yet today I heard a teacher I love say this:
A manifestation of the Holy Spirit is boldness.—Amir Tsarfati
My heart dropped.
What have I done?
What if this gift was intended for my life, my whole life, and due to the cancer of shame—a favorite weapon of sinister forces—I silenced myself and the work of the Spirit? The original beauty of a young boldness, which could have been refined and cultivated into a powerful source of courage and truth, became the red-hot face of embarrassment, the quiet slinking away, the fast-beating heart, the closing of the lips, the silent and unseen tears.
And the Spirit quenched.
My work now is to heal the shame yet again—wasn't I just here?—and pray for a restoration of the boldness I was born with. Throughout my life I've received strength in some seasons, thank God, to fulfill what has been given to me. Yet to reclaim boldness as a way of being and serving, to understand my own unique expression of boldness and not be afraid of it, or afraid of what other people think, would be priceless to me. Healing, even. Especially in these days when I am breaking apart with urgency, unable to hold back the message that the Most High is revealing through Scripture and the Spirit.
I need the gift of boldness and of truth and grace.
Today I want to talk about something I believe with all my heart. And I need boldness to speak over (or despite of) the thoughts fighting it out in the back of my mind where you're becoming just another internet wacko yells at who do you think you are and what if you're wrong? (And even the old patriarchal a woman is easily deceived! threatens with a booming voice and long white beard.)
These thoughts are real. I share this part of the journey with you like I've shared many of my behind-the-scenes over the years—my struggles with weight, with my business, with my dreams. I'm a simple-complex paradox who is a flesh-and-blood real human, not a glamorous online persona. I don't use sensationalism or fear to sell my programs or talk about what I believe. Give me humility, honesty, truth, and love. Please. I'm just me, sitting in bed after-dark, wearing pjs while my county is under tornado watch. Soft piano in my ears supplies a curiously soothing backdrop for the urgency I feel.
I want to come out and say it first, and then talk about it next.
I believe we are in the end of days—at the very end, like seriously truly in the final moments spoken of in biblical prophecy. Based on how things are unfolding in the world, especially the Middle-East, along with in-depth, obsessive study of end-time prophecy, and much more, I am convinced the world is ending soon.
Soon soon, not “maybe in a hundred years” soon. Within our lifetime.
I am not a teacher and I feel vastly unequipped to speak about this. But I can't not, so I share as one who watches and prays and reads and seeks and holds close the word of God. One who must say something instead of being silent. One who is unpeeling the fingers of a giant hand off her lips one by one.
Because I believe this, I also am compelled to share with urgency...
We don't have time to drift along like a sleepy river.
We don't have time to live asleep, unconscious of the times we live in or the word of God which has so much to say about judgment and salvation and being delivered from the wrath to come. (1 Thess. 1:9-10)
The time is NOW and I fervently encourage you to hold your life with both hands and do the holy work of readiness, of seeking truth with your whole heart, being willing and longing for the Spirit to make known to you what you need to know. Be courageous and humble to do what is needed, whether that means making right what needs to be made right, or believing in Yeshua, Jesus, or repenting or forgiving or going deeper in your spiritual journey with God.
Acts 17:22 Then Paul stood in the midst of the Areopagus and said, “Men of Athens, I perceive that in all things you are very religious; 23 for as I was passing through and considering the objects of your worship, I even found an altar with this inscription:
TO THE UNKNOWN GOD.
Therefore, the One whom you worship without knowing, Him I proclaim to you: 24 “God, who made the world and everything in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands. 25 Nor is He worshiped with men’s hands, as though He needed anything, since He gives to all life, breath, and all things. 26 And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, 27 so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; 28 for in Him we live and move and have our being, as also some of your own poets have said, ‘For we are also His offspring.’ 29 Therefore, since we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Divine Nature is like gold or silver or stone, something shaped by art and man’s devising. 30 Truly, these times of ignorance God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent, 31 because He has appointed a day on which He will judge the world in righteousness by the Man [Yeshua, Jesus] whom He has ordained. He has given assurance of this to all by raising Him from the dead.”
I believe this Day is here, dawning within our own lifetime.
The night is far spent, the day is at hand. We must begin to live like we are sons and daughters of daylight. We believe in God's only begotten Son, Jesus, that he was born and crucified for our sins and defeated death by rising alive from the grave. We must love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. We must love one another. We must pray without ceasing. We must watch and live awake lives that are seriously devoted to truth and obedience to God. We must live by faith.
This week I found myself re-watching videos of the tragic tsunami that happened in Japan a few years ago. Notice how calm and peaceful the river, and some of the people, seemed literally seconds before destruction. This video left me in tears and shock. Please watch below...
1 Thess. 5:2 For you yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so comes as a thief in the night. 3 For when they say, “Peace and safety!” then sudden destruction comes upon them, as labor pains upon a pregnant woman. And they shall not escape. 4 But you, brethren, are not in darkness, so that this Day should overtake you as a thief. 5 You are all sons of light and sons of the day. We are not of the night nor of darkness. 6 Therefore let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober. 7 For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk are drunk at night. 8 But let us who are of the day be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet the hope of salvation. 9 For God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, 10 who died for us, that whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with Him.
Sudden destruction, like the tsunami. This day will come and it will be a day when life goes on like normal and most people will have no clue about what is to come...
Luke 17:26 And as it was in the days of Noah, so it will be also in the days of the Son of Man: 27 They ate, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark, and the flood came and destroyed them all. 28 Likewise as it was also in the days of Lot: They ate, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they built;29 but on the day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven and destroyed them all. 30 Even so will it be in the day when the Son of Man is revealed.
When life is normal—even mundane! Like spreading butter on toast for breakfast and packing sandwiches for lunch. Peeling the foil off a container of peach yogurt. Standing in line at Starbucks for a sugar-free, non-fat vanilla latte. RSVP-ing for your cousin's wedding. Trying on new shoes at DSW. Watering the tomato plant on your porch and tying it to the railing with a sari-silk ribbon so it doesn't fall over. Driving by the newest apartment building under construction near the tollway. Adding a bag of salad and some white onions to your cart at Tom Thumb. Lighting incense. Unloading all the warm, dry clothes from your dryer and losing a sock.
Everyday life. They bought, they sold, they planted, they built, they ate, they drank, they married...
1 Thess 5:4 But you, brethren, are not in darkness, so that this Day should overtake you as a thief [by surprise, caught unaware]. 5 You are all sons of light and sons of the day.
We must be ready & I will write more soon because this is something I feel strongly and with great urgency.